I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
