She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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