i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
