You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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