come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
