people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
