I think I won the penis lottery.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
