I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
