He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
