You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wear drunk well.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
