I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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