i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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