Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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