I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
zippers are such a cool invention
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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