Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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