I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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