you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
