I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
