someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
