Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
