Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
