Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize