i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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