im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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