he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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