i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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