Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
