I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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