Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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