I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We have started to decorate penises.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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