I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
