I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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