I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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