I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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