It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
