Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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