it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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