no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You're like the curious george of whores
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
