so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
