Redeem this text for a blowjob
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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