I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
