WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
