It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
