...so i touched it.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
