Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
