i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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