You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
