Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
