I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Less talking, more tequila
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
