dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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