My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
