K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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