Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
