HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
