were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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