I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
