Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
