I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
