I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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