Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize