Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
