My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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