Im at strip club and am horny
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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