I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
