Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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