mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
