I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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