Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
