i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
